News Report

Some things you should be seeing in news reports...

1. In the Straits Times, it is reported that 'Overseas traffic experts give the ERP thumbs-up'. They left out the 2nd portion, 'Local drivers give the ERP the fingers'.
   

National Pimples Center To Stage The Largest Charity Show In Singapore Next Year

TAN TOCK SENG, SINGAPORE -- The National Pimples Center, NPC, is planning to stage the largest charity show sometime next year to raise funds for the treatment of severe acnes.

Miss Singapore

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

Michael Fay

There is an American named Michael Fay
He loves to take our public signs away
Sometimes graffiti on our cars he spray
Until by the police he was caught one fine day

Mess Transit

On a crowded public SBS bus, an Ah Lian got aboard and refused to budge from the her position near the front door. Her only response to the demands from the bus driver was, "Wah ai go Or-Chard Load!"

Mental Problems

One day at the psychiatrists office, a short, fat man came in, stood in front of the desk and shouted at the psychiatrist 'HOI! Bow to me, lowly Chinese! I am General Yamashita! Hahahahaha ...' and the psychiatrist says 'What makes you think that you are General Yamashita?' and the man says 'Because God made me General Yamashita! Hahahahaha ... '

Kung Fu

Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.

Just Wondering

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big bright feathers.

Flasher

Three old ladies were seating on a bench in a park. They were enjoying the tranquility when a man wearing a trench-coat suddenly appeared right in front of them.

Fixed Price

3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they will be shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then be set free. So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang!

Chee Bai

A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?"

Cellular Phone

Since 1-April-97, competition has been very keen in Singapore's cellular phone market due to the new entrant M1. Before that, there was only one operator, that's why no one covers more of Singapore than Singtel Mobile, absolutely no one.

But It's What We Praying For

There were four Buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.

One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k'ng (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).

Bias Bias Everywhere

Ah Beng was talking to his girlfriend's brother Ah Leng while walking down orchard road. Seeing a bunch of girls window shopping, he asked Ah Leng, 'Ay, did you know your sister Ah Lian is like vely the bias one?'

Ah Beng Speaks up

Ah Beng talks about Singapore history and current affairs...

Under the 'ang mo' we all live happily together, no complain.
Malaysia & Singapore is one big family in our brains.
One day we both like 2 durians cannot get along.

Ah Beng Hot Shot

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

Ah Beng All Wet

Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that he would swim across the Singapore River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and started to shout for help.

A To Z Of Kiasu Philosophy

Always must win		Never mind what they think
Borrow but never return		Outdo everyone you know
Cheap is good		Pay only when necessary

A Seaman's Tale

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.

The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"

A Damn Cock Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a king who had a daughter of marriageable age. As he was very fond of his daughter and he didn't want her to leave him, he made an impossible offer to his kingdom's men. He announced that whoever has two pricks would be eligible to marry his daughter. The invitation spread far and wide. Of course there were no one who came forth, and the king was secretly pleased.

You Might Be Married To A Korean If:

• You own two refrigerators, and one is just used for storing Kimchee.


• She gets upset if you refer to the above as the Kimchee Box.


• She gets upset if you put anything other than Kimchee in the Kimchee Box.


• She lacks common sense, or for the politically correct: Faulty Logic.

You Know You've Been In Korea Too Long

1. You are immune to the smell of "the kimchi breath."


2. You no longer come to a complete stop at the stop sign and you never yield the right-of-way.


3. You can pick up a single strand of noodles with chopsticks.


4. You ask for more "ko-chu" because the kimchi-chige soup is not hot enough.

Will Smith & Korean Guy At A Restaurant

One day Will Smith and his Korean friend went to a Korean restaurant.

The Korean guy ordered rice with kimchi chigae. Will Smith didn't know what to get, so he said to come back later. The Korean guy went to the bathroom after he ordered.

Short Korean Jokes

• What is Korean Dracula's favorite morning beverage?
  
  
  
  • Koh-peee! (coffee)
  
  
  
  


• What does the Korean bread say when it hit the wall?
  
  
  
  • Bhang!

A Rabbi and a Korean

A rabbi is sitting on an airplane next to a Korean guy. After they have been flying together in silence for a while, the rabbi leans over and says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Chinese for what you did at Pearl Harbor."

New York City Poll

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker.

Koreans U-Bend Over Backward

South Korea is gearing up for the World Cup by giving its toilets an urgent makeover.

Officials are thinking big about the smallest room, lavishing expensive decor on lavatories and designing 'themed' toilets in a bid to win the title of "Finest Rest Room in Seoul".

Meat Shortage

A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.

A pollster stops them and asks, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"

Korean Lisp

So there was this guy named Mung, right. He was a pretty miserable guy to start out with. Kids at school made fun of him, his mom made fun of him, even his dog wouldn't play with him. But there was some luck.

In Texas

Che Boram decides to take a trip to Texas to visit his favorite cousin one day. As he sits down in the plane, he says, "Wow, the seats are really big here." The person next to him turns to him and says, "In Texas, they say everything is big."

English As A Second Language

There was this Russian guy, this Spanish guy and this Korean guy all in the same ESL class. The teacher told them to make a sentence using the word 'hostess' for homework.

Construction Company

There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all  working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."

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Dishonoring the Japanese

Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house. 

The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man." 

Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith." 

Cow Sends Japanese Crew To Jail

(UP) - Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Canoe Canoe?

There were three guys traveling in Africa, a Frenchman, a Japanese, and an American. They are captured by a tribe of fierce headhunters. The witch doctor says to them, "We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some comfort in the fact that we don't believe in waste here, and that therefore every part of your body will go to some use. We will weave baskets out of your hair, we will render your bones for glue, and we will tan your skin and stretch it over wooden frames for canoes. Now we are going to allow you an honorable death, so I will give you each a knife and allow you to say some last words before killing yourselves."

Bridge Joke

The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."

Breast Milk

A Japanese exchange student sat in a science classroom, totally stumped at a question on the final exam.

The question asked: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

Boat Race

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

Australian And Japanese Talking

An Australian man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Japanese bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes."

The Australian replied, "Put on a blind fold."

The Japanese man asked, "Where do I get one?

The Australian then said, "Here take my shoe lace."

A Friendly Japanese

How courteous is the Japanese;
He always says, "Excuse it, please."
He climbs into his neighbor's garden.
And smiles, and says, "I beg your pardon;"
He bows and grins a friendly grin,
And calls his hungry family in;
He grins, and bows a friendly bow;
"So sorry, this my garden now."

Bhola At A Grocery Store

Bhola goes to a grocery store.  He finds cat food at special prices.  He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.  The Manager gets suspicious.  He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.  He asks Bhola to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.  Bhola goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Be White

Two Pakie's see an advertisement in a window, reading "be white for $10" . They both want to become white as they believe they will no longer be subject to racial abuse. 

Arranged Marriage

If you are a typical, single, Indian man who lives in the USA, the time will come when it will dawn on you that the only chance you have to indulge in wedded bliss lies in the hallowed institution of the "Arranged Marriage". You probably left India when you were twenty-one, having squandered your adolescence striving to get here. At this point, you are twenty-five or older, and have been out of touch with the general Indian female population for more than a decade. All the women you know back home are married. This manual is written for those of you who harbor hopes of acquiring a beautiful arranged bride.

Armed And Dangerous

A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.

Application Form For Politicians

Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

1. Name of Candidate : _______________________ 

2. Present Address 

And You Thought Sardars Are Dumb

Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa." 

An Indian Vs Pakistan

There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. 

An Americanized Look At India

Here are a few things that could happen:

1. Mohini Devi, a housewife from Bihar sues PM for 1 Crore Rupees for sexually molesting her. She alleges that during his election campaign in Punjab he made overtures and advances of indecent nature - he kept saying "Hame karna hai!" Reports say she is open to an out of the court settlement.

Air India

Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!" 

A Sardar In Need Of A Winning Lotto Ticket

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.

A Maharajah of India

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

Filipino From Bicol

A Filipino guy from Bicol tries very hard to come to Canada. In doing so he spent all his money and sold all his valuables so after he gets out of the Canadian airport he takes the bus to go stay at his relatives' house.

Filipino Accounting Terms

ENGLISH      FILIPINO TRANSLATION 

1. Asset - Ari


2. Fixed Asset - Aring Nakatirik

The Filipino Driver Survival Guide

When greeting a Filipino driver, slowly lower your window and be prepared to greet the driver with: "Tang namo, bobo". However, if you have been already addressed by a fellow driver, reply with a joyful "Tang namo rin, gago". 

Father, Mother And I

In the Philippines, most kids in private schools are forced to speak English at all times. A kid who just came from the province and who barely speaks the language tried his best to do so.

Erap To Internet

To My Countrymen

Dear peoples from di Phillipines,

As you are already informed via the internit, you should all be fully in awareness that I am going to be the next President of the Philippines. Now I know all the votes are not yet fully counted, but who cares about counting all the votes? You've seen one ballot, you've seen them all. Trust me, they all look the same.

Erap Pen Pal Letter

Tondo, Manila
May 16, 1957

Dearest Pal.

Hello! How's life going on there. I hope that you are in good health upon receiving my letter or may be you got suspened "coz" you did not expect that you can receive a letter from me.

Erap And The Lion

Erap was in the forest when he came across this huge lion and immediately fainted. When he came to, he found the lion kneeling in front of him. 

ERAP: Mr. Lion, thank you for not eating me! 

LION: Ssshh! I'm saying grace.

Defense, Detail, And Defeat

The teacher turns to the class and says, "Today, we will use these three words in a sentence. Defense, detail, and defeat. Tom, why don't you go first?"

Concentrate

Mrs. Estrada caught her husband Erap Estrada staring at the orange juice container. Mrs. Estrada, curious on what was going on, asked Erap Estrada what the hell he was doing.

Mrs. Estrada: Erap, what are you doing in front of the orange juice box?

Erap: The OJ box says: concentrate!

Compact

There was this Filipino who had a very big truck. One day, he went to a coliseum to see a baseball game. All the parking spaces were taken except one which said "COMPACT". 

Coffee Maker

In an international Convention of coffee-producing nations, the Philippines proved it really has given something to the coffee world.

Changing Leather

A new Filipino immigrant was talking with a Canadian and he noticed that the Canadian had a wind burnt lip. So the Filipino asked the Canadian... "Hey buddy, it's beri cold eh?  Even your lips is changing leather."

Absent Minded

A Filipino pilot who became well known for his absent-mindedness was invited to pilot a new flying boat. The pilot had a good time flying. After spending a couple of hours in the air, the pilot decided that it was time to land. He was about to make a landing on the ground when his assistant reminded that they were supposed to land on the sea.

Night Before Christmas

Da night bepor Christmas
An all tru da house
Nating pas
Not eben a mouse.

A Hairy Experience

A visiting Kapampangan kababayan was in New York City and it was a particularly windy day. He was standing by a bus stop when the wind blew and raised the skirt of a nice American lady standing near him.

Asian Women

Asian women have always been exotic. Two guys were arguing about the correct orientation of Japanese women's sex organs. One said that Japanese women have their going from side to side, while the other said it goes vertical, just like everybody else.

Asian Lady

The story goes that there was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

Asian Guy And Black Guy In Locker Room

A stereotypical black guy steps out of the shower in a college
locker room. An Asian guy checks out his penis and says, "How come
yours is so huge? I would love to have one like that."

Asian Farts Don't Stink

A little old Asian lady goes to the doctor in China, and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much... my farts never smell, and they're always quiet. But I've been doing it very often."

Asian Breasts

A group of Asian women were visiting a village located in South Africa. They came across a booth selling human breast. One of the Asian lady asked the butcher, "Why are you selling women's breast?" The butcher replied, "In Ouagadougou, we have found that consuming women's breast can increase men's sex drive, and enlarge the size of their penis." 

ASEAN Meeting

During the ASEAN meeting, all PM of the ASEAN countries were present except for Goh Chok Tong who was represented by LKY. 

Chinese Cuisine

A single Chinese man owns a Chinese restaurant, and one day a beautiful Chinese woman walks in. He immediately walks over and asks her out on a date. She agrees. They go out for a while, and soon, the man proposes to her. She says "Yes, but before we do, there's something you must know. I have never had the sex, but I've read about it." He says that it's not a problem, and they are married.

Chinese Barbie Song

Hiya lang lui!
Hi lang jai!
Want to ride in my Honda?
Sure lang jai!
Jump in!

Chinese Baby

A Chinese lady married a pilot and they had a baby. One day he had to fly to another state with a couple of other pilots. His wife was going to China so he had to take the baby with him. On the plane the baby was getting really annoying. The pilot said, "We have to jump or we will have no chance to make it." They decided to leave the baby on the plane. One guy jumps out then the next one then the Dad. The 1st guy got to the bottom and he sees the baby. The man said, "How did you get down her so fast. We left you up there." The baby replied, "Me Chinese me not dumb me hold on to daddy's bumb he goes tooot I go zoom that's how I got down so soon."

Chinese Athletes Put Back Into Storage

BEIJING, CHINA--After two weeks of remarkable success against the world's finest athletes, the Chinese National Olympic Team was carefully disassembled and put back into storage yesterday, placed in a specially designed, high-tech cryogenic freezing pod for preservation until the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, Australia.

China Says Ants Can Spice Up A Maggot Diet

Beijing (Reuter, 1/26) - China's official Xinhua news agency, which announced this week that maggot extract is a good source of nutrition, urged people Thursday to add ants to their diet with a set of recipes cooked up by a professor. 

Captain and First Officer

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."

Cake Made of Distiller's Grain

A man who had asked his guest to stay for a cup of tea sent his servant to borrow some tea leaves from his neighbor. He ate two grain cakes each morning before going out to work. The cakes made him a bit tipsy every morning. One day he met a friend who asked: "Did you drink some wine this morning?"

Borrowing Tea Leaves

A man who had asked his guest to stay for a cup of tea sent his servant to borrow some tea leaves from his neighbor.

When the water started to boil he poured in some water, waiting for the return of the servant. Before long, the water started boiling again, so he had to pour in some more water. This was repeated several times until the cauldron was full and the servant still failed to come back. At this point, the man's wife suggested to him:

Borrowing a Cow

A man once wanted to borrow a cow from a wealthy man, so he had his servant send a note to the wealthy man. The rich man, who was entertaining some guests, took the note and ashamed to be taken as an illiterate, pretended to be able to read it. When reading it he nodded his head

Blind Faith in Geomantic Omens

There once was a man who had a superstitious faith in geomantic omens. He consulted the geomancer beforehand concerning all signs beneficial. or unfortunate.

Big Talk

A: " I have a drum whose sound can be heard for hundreds of miles."

B: " I have a buffalo that's so big its head alone stretches from the northern side of the river to the southern side."

Begging Alms

A robber and an alms-begging monk were pursuing their way together when a tiger suddenly appeared from nowhere and pounced upon them. The robber immediately drew a bow. The tiger, however, was not afraid and kept closing in on them. As a last resort, the monk threw his alms book at the tiger, which immediately fell back with fright and beat a hasty retreat.

Ancestry

This black guy was walking by a lake. Sitting next to the lake was an old Chinese guy skipping stones off the water. As he did, they made a sound. They sounded like this… Change----Chang-Long.

Amnesia

There lived in the State of Qi a man who had a very bad memory. While walking, he would forget to stop; while sleeping, he would forget to rise. His wife was very much worried about this and said to him one day: "I've heard that Master Ai is a very learned man with a glib tongue. He can even bring the dying back to life. Why don't you go and consult him?"

American And Chinese Conversation

This is a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Chinese authorities off the coast of Vietnam in South China Sea in October 1980. 

A Snake Bite On The Twelfth Moon Doesn't Bite

During the Sui Dynasty (581-618), there lived a clever man who spoke with a slight stutter. Whenever the Minister Yang Su felt bored and listless, he would invite this man over to have a chat. One evening toward the close of the year when they sat facing each other, Yang asked him more in jest than in earnest: " Supposing you find yourself in a pit ten feet deep and ten feet in circumference, how would you get out?"

A Mysterious Letter

A man got a kick out of turning simple things into mysteries when composing a letter, though he was not good at all at writing.
One day his father told him to write a letter to his brother and tell him four things:

A Matter For Regret

The revered Mr. Lu, bereft of his spouse in his declining years, took a young woman named Zhu as second wife. Unhappy about the union, Zhu was often seen knitting her brows. One day, Mr. Lu asked her: "Do you regret that you have married an old man?"

A Joke From Peking University

Internet is becoming popularized in China. More and more people have opened an email account. However, there are still some problems with this new media. Mis-delivery is a serious one. Last week a Beida graduate student called Li Na tried to send a "have a try" email to his classmate Zhao Wen-Jian, but that message was sent to Mr. Li Peng, one of the top leaders in China, by mistake. As a result, Mr. Li was surprised by the following message: "Hi, Fatty: How are you? This is only a try. By the way, the yellow joke you told last night is just great." 

A Fool For Bean Curd

The guest was a bit surprised when his host served him a dinner of nothing but a dish of bean curd The host praised the virtues of bean curd, saying, "Bean curd is my life; it's the most delicious food in the world."

One day, he had the chance to visit his friend, who remembered that the man loved bean curd and so he served fish and meat with bean curd However, the man devoured only the fish and meat, and didn't touch the bean curd His friend asked, "You say bean curd is your life, but why don't you eat it today?"

The man answered, "I guess when I see fish and meat on my plate, I don't want my life anymore."

Fair Judgment

[caption id="attachment_10" align="alignleft" width="180" caption="Fair Judgment"][/caption]

When Duan Guangqing served as a county magistrate, he was known for his honest, upright nature. One day while passing a grain shop, he saw a crowd of people who seemed to be quarreling about something. Upon inquiry he learned that a country fellow had trampled a chick to death and the boss of the grain shop had asked for nine hundred coins in compensation.

A Cursive Hand

[caption id="attachment_6" align="alignleft" width="250" caption="A Cursive Hand"][/caption]

Prime Minister Zhang was fond of handwriting, but he didn't put in a lot of effort to do his exercises. Everybody sneered at his bad handwriting, and the Prime Minister himself really didn't care.

One day he happened to draft a beautiful sentence and at once wielded his writing brush to write it down, indeed, there were dragons flying and snakes dancing all over the paper. Then he ordered his nephew to copy it.

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